I wrote my heartfelt words to you…

On a Starbucks napkin, but I'm reluctant to show it to you. For it would change everything that we hold together. I knew right from the beginning on how I thought about you. But never did I expect myself to indulge too much into it. That I wanted us to be more than just friends. I know whatever I'm doing is just so wrong. And disgusting. And just so weird and everything. And I should have known it better.

But I thought that by writing that, I could get it over with. That life would still continue back to normal. I had deceived myself. And for everything I had stood for in the past. Because, I just realized that I adore you. That you'll right and I'm wrong. I want to talk to you, but I'm afraid for every word we said, I'll fall deeper.

I want to know your views about this. And to clear the air. I truly cherish this distilled friendship with you. I know it would change everything. I kept finding excuses to not show you the napkin. i do not want to show you, but deep down, I so badly want you to see it. I would be hoping for you to understand it. I trust my instinct that you'll understand and it without looking at it.

Not just 1 napkins. It's 2. And it meant a lot to me. You and me and him. With a lot of "What Ifs". I suspected you knew all along of how things would pan out between us. and that both of us are trying to evade it. I had just come to terms with it, albeit with some hesitant. It is just so wrong. Think of the consequences, I told myself. That what I felt for you is just a short phase. But it had been bugging me for weeks. I knew I had to face it.

However, from the moment I had wrote the napkins, I knew my life would be different FORVER. It changed my life. For the better or worse, I don't know. i feel like calling you and tell you how I feel about us. and again, it would be so wrong. And weird. Should I go for it? I told myself we are just friends. Special friends. Close friends. Friends whom we can relate to. Friends which are just close and special. In short just FRIENDS. But it is virtually impossible. FACE UP TO IT, I told myself.

And there, I faced up to it. By not letting it affect us. or just you. I told myself I could love you, but I chose not to. Because, I want to walk alongside with you. To be in your life as much as I could, to be with you and there for you whenever I could help it. I'll be there for you. I just don't want to lose you.